The Never Agains of Hogwarts
by LuxaLovesLawnmowers
Summary: Minerva McGonagall has been working at Hogwarts longer than most, but certain thing still make her tick. The Marauders' and the Weasley twins are a few. Final update.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer- I do not own the glorious series that is Harry Potter. Not do I own the smurfs.

If I get enough reviews, I'll put up another chapter!

This is something random that popped into my overloaded brain.

Enjoy!

The "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Specifically directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley Twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

1. You may not use house elves as Quaffles. Or Snitches. Or Bludgers. Or, for that matter, any type of Muggle soccer, football or golf ball.

2. Professor Flitwick is not a smurf and shall not be addressed as such.

3. Referring to myself as "Minnie" and asking me if she wants to get high on catnip is not only against the rules, but also highly disturbing.

4. Coloring Mr. Jordan's hair anything other than the usual black without his permission may be highly amusing, but trust me, pink does not look good on him.

5. Jinxing Professor Snape's underwear to sing the Hogwarts school song is starting to scare the first years.

6. Please do not say "Boo" after sneaking up on Professor Moody. He's paranoid enough as it is.

7. Do not bewitch a banner reading "Ferret Boy "to follow Mr. Malfoy around.

8. Do not tell Professor Lockhart that we need some morale-raising in the form of giant pictures of him posted all over the school. Please.

9. Do not attempt to get up the girls' sliding staircase. It will fail.

10. After failing at 9, do not put peanut butter on the staircase out of anger. Ms. Evans is getting annoyed.

11. Levitating charms are all very well, but putting them in sweets and offering them to Mr. Longbottom is not funny anymore.

12. The giant squid lives in the Black Lake, not in the boys' dormitory.

13. Or the girls'. Especially the girls, in fact.

14. Setting Mr. Snape's robes on fire is not a healthy way to relieve stress.

15. Nor is setting Moaning Myrtle on him. That's just mean.

16. Mr. Wood does not want to hear one more joke about his name, and has been given permission to jinx if it occurs again.

17. Our visitors from Beauxbatons do not want to see your impressions of French aristocrats.

18. Nor do our visitors from Durmstrang want to answer questions about how evil their parents have to have been to get into the school. This is likely to get you sent to the hospital wing.

19. Slytherin students are not "slithering to badness." This is a horrid pun, people.

20. Professor Lupin does not appreciate being called a "stray mutt" whenever he gives you homework and you don't want it.

21. Calling him "Tonks's new puppy" is not appropriate either. Learn some maturity.

22. Do not replace Professor Slughorn's crystallized pineapple with dead slugs. It's gross. You know he eats those anyway, right?

23. Assigning pet names to professors is creepy. So stop calling Professor Snape "Snivelly" (It's giving him Déjà vu), Professor Flitwick "Dopey" (he doesn't even get it), myself "Minnie" (see rule number 3), and Professor Dumbledore "Santa" (he's getting sick of Mr. Creevey trying to sit on his lap.) It may be noted, however, that you may call Professor Umbridge "The Great Flycatcher", no matter what she says.

24. The Whomping Willow is not an amusement park, and convincing the first years to "take a ride" could get you sent to Azkaban.

25. Fawkes is not a pigeon. Nor is he a rat with wings. Addressing him as such will get you a one-way ticket to the hospital wing.

26. Offering Mr. Lupin tampons to help him with his "time of month" is not acceptable.

27. Do not mock Professor Quirrell about his turban. Do you have any idea what he hides behind that thing?

28. If Mr. Snape ends up on the ceiling on more time, I will personally see that you end up in detention for a lifetime.

29. Trying to beat the record for the most detentions is not an appropriate way to spend your time. Besides, the Marauders' record is so high the aforementioned rats with wings couldn't get close.

30. I don't care how willing the house elves are. Stop dressing them up like smurfs.

31. Just because you are bored does not give you the right to turn Professor Dumbledore's beard into a nest of bees.

32. Stop asking the Professors of Hogwarts if we know you're secret identities. We don't care if you are Batman, Robin, The Incredible Hulk, and Catwoman. And do not get angry when I tell the school that you are Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin.

33. Referring to the last rule, do not call Mr. Lupin Catwoman. I see no basis for this claim and I don't think he likes it.

34. Stop calling Moaning Myrtle the "Moaning Moron".

35. Alastor Moody does not want a dose of Polyjuice Potion to turn into Barty Crouch Jr.

36. Nor does he want a peek inside your trunk.

37. Nor does he want to be called "The Ex-Auror Who Couldn't". In fact, stop talking to him at all.

38. Mr. Lupin is afraid of the moon. You know that. Stop doodling it on his papers at every opportunity.

39. Ms. Evans is not interested in you. Give it up, Mr. Potter.

40. Peeves is not to be encouraged. I made one exception, and that was in a time of dire need. So stop referring to the chandelier.

41. Just because you know the famous Harry Potter does not mean you can brag about it in the corridors.

42. Hagrid is not afraid of basilisks. I have no idea what gave you that impression, but drop it.

43. Parking your motorcycle in front of my office is not "cool", as you put it. How did you get that thing in here?

44. Stop calling yourselves Tweedledee and Tweedledum. I know you have brains, you just don't put them to use.

45. Transfiguring my desk into a hippogriff and then telling me it was homework is a LIE.

46. Unless it actually was homework. Then it's ok.

47. It is not ok to inquire about my personal life. Especially about Professor Dumbledore.

48. This rule is enforced tenfold when in the presence of the Minister of Magic.

49. Even if he is an idiot.

50. Aggravating me to the point that I actually wrote this list is a bad sign. Keep it up, and I might have a heart attack. I would advise you not to aggravate me further.

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter gazed upon the newly posted list. They couldn't believe that they had driven Professor McGonagall to this level of insanity. What an achievement!

But Sirius wasn't too happy. "She's taken all the fun out of life." he complained.

James grinned "She didn't say we couldn't bewitch all the first years to threaten to jump off the Astronomy Tower."

They high-fived, Remus shaking his head, bemused. They walked on, peter trailing after them.

Fred and George stared at each other in disbelief. According to McGonagall, she had just reinstated these rules because of "certain misbehaving miscreants". They were proud of their achievements of course, but now their best pranks were out of the picture. Except…

Three hours later, Severus Snape stormed up to Professor Dumbledore's office, demanding to know why his hair was canary yellow.

The End


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter

Remember- Review and I'll write more! And maybe even give you a cookie!

The Continued List of "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Specifically Directed to the Marauders' and/or Weasley Twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

51. Bewitching the first years to threaten to jump off the Astronomy Tower made Professor Slughorn hyperventilate. So stop.

52. Professor Snape does not appreciate his hair turning canary yellow in the corridors. And trust me, it was creepy and that poor third-year Ravenclaw is STILL in the hospital wing.

53. Students who are studying for the O.W.L.s do not like to be told that Peeves will be over viewing their exams. And Peeves does not need to hear that either.

54. Mr. Finnigan has trouble with accidently exploding potions, and/or feathers. Putting a game of Exploding Snap in his cauldron does not help.

55. Nor does asking him where his eyebrows are.

56. The Boogey Monster does not reside in the Shrieking Shack.

57. Or the Headmaster's office.

58. Myself and Professor Flitwick are not secret lovers. Neither are myself and Professor Snape, Slughorn, Dumbledore, Sprout or Hooch. And even if Dumbledore and I were, we wouldn't tell you.

59. Gellert Grindelwald did not get "Pwned" by Dumbledore in 1945. He was defeated.

60. He was not "owned", either. Repeat, _defeated_.

61. Calling Lord Voldemort "The Man Who Lost to a Drooling Infant in Diapers" is not appropriate.

62. Neither is "Michael Jackson's Secret Lover". Who _is_ Michael Jackson, anyway?

63. Mr. Black, I don't care if your brother is a "huge Voldywarts fan", his underwear does not belong on the giant squid.

64. The Quidditch pitch is used for Quidditch. Not for your reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

65. And just because I sound Scottish does not mean Mr. Wood is my illegitimate child.

66. Nor is Mr. Finnigan.

67. Nor is Professor Moody. That's just insulting to both of us.

68. When you report to my office Mr. Black, for Career Meetings, do not tell me that you want to be a werewolf when you grow up. Mr. Lupin does not find it funny.

69. This applies to Mr. Potter also.

70. Do you know something, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley? I will scratch your eyes out if you make one more reference to my Animagus abilities.

71. Pokémon are not real animals. Hagrid not need to be told they are, either.

72. Professor Dumbledore is not Gandalf. Stop shouting "You shall not pass!" every time you see him.

73. This goes double at the opening feast.

74. Ms. Evans does not want to see you when she goes home for the summer holidays, Mr. Potter. And tying yourself to the top of her trunk under your Invisibility Cloak isn't going to change her mind.

75. Suggesting that rule number 74 is out of my jurisdiction because it takes place on the Hogwarts Express will only earn you a detention. If you can do magic, I can punish you.

76. Mr. Snape is not in love with Professor Flitwick. He did not proclaim his love for him on his own accord, and denying it doesn't make you any less guilty.

77. Just because Professor Moody and Professor Trelawney both have a tendency to predict dark and dangerous times does not mean they are dating.

78. That last rule is in effect for the simple reason I have respect for Alastor Moody, and I am not going to lose it with that horrible crack-pot theory.

79. If you ever attempt to prove me wrong on that, I warn you, I _will_ go ballistic.

80. "I was bored" is not a sensible reason to take any course of action involving five gallons of Butterbeer, a house elf, and a pair of ruby slippers.

81. Mr. Aberforth does not like insinuations about his minor goat scandal 15 years ago.

82. Nor does he like being asked if he can read or not. Professor Dumbledore was joking when he made that comment.

83. I think.

84. Sneaking into the Hufflepuff common room and then telling me you were looking for the Batcave is not ok. Why the _Hufflepuff_ common room, I might ask?

85. Your friend Mr. Jordan may be ok with it, but replacing his voice halfway through a Quidditch game with Dobby's is just weird.

86. Mr. Longbottom may be in love, but putting a banner in the Great Hall saying "Frank and Alice Shall Have Children" is creepy.

87. Mr. Creevey is not to be offered allowance to photograph Mr. Potter in his shower. He will take you up on the offer.

89. You are not allowed to sing the Hogwarts school song in the corridors. Only Dumbledore likes that atrocious piece of music.

90. "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" is not good either. While it is a nice song, Hogwarts is located in Scotland, and King's Cross in England.

91. Our Beauxbatons guests are not there for you to drool over. Nor shall they be addressed as such.

92. Weasley twins', you are not the Marauders'. You are separate entities, although I have considered that you are sent from Hell simply for the purpose to torment me.

93. I don't like the color pink. You are aware of this fact, and still proceed to dye my office that awful color. Why not burgundy, boys?

94. Mr. Filch is annoying enough as it is. Stop hexing him in every corridor to sing me poetry.

95. Mrs. Norris is an evil cat, I know, but she doesn't belong in a suit of armor.

96. Nor does she belong in the Black Lake.

97. The Chamber of Secrets does not hold Salazar Slytherin's secret stash of tacos.

98. Just because Mr. Lupin tells you that it is possible, doesn't mean you should hijack a Muggle rocketship and attempt to fly to the moon, Mr. Black

99. If you are thinking it, it's not legal.

100. You have driven me this far. Stop before I throw myself off a cliff.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter Or Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings.

I need ideas, so review alot or i won't write anymore

* * *

The Even Longer Continued List of the "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Specifically Directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley Twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

101. Professor Snape and a flock of songbirds do not belong in the same room. Either Professor Snape or the songbirds will not make it out alive. Likely Professor Snape.

102. Muggles don't belong in Hogwarts. If they were ever allowed in Hogwarts, the reason would not have anything to do with a ten-year supply of Firewhiskey.

103. Ms. Lovegood may be eccentric, but showing her proof that wizards are really descended from clouds is stretching it a bit.

104. Ms. Evans and Mr. Lupin are both prefects. That would be why they spend a "good deal of time together" as you put it. No need to get jealous, Mr. Potter.

105. When you do not believe me on 104, which I know you won't, do not attempt to punish Mr. Lupin for stealing away your beloved. And yes, taking off his pants in the middle of the night and sticking them to the ceiling counts as "attempting to punish."

106. Professor Lupin does not like Professor Trelawney (I can see why), and like crystal ball gazing even less. Jinxing crystal balls to follow him around is not a good idea, seeing as Professor Lupin will know you did it and will retaliate most harshly.

107. When he does, you are not being given permission to start a prank war, no matter how amusing it would be.

108. Ransacking the trophy room and drawing with Sharpie all over Tom Riddle's Special Services to the School trophy is immature, not matter how well deserved.

109. The Transfiguration department should not be used for Beater practice. That's what the Quidditch pitch is for.

110. Professor Dumbledore does not have a secret relationship with the giant squid.

111. Just because this rule is #111 does not mean you should go around the school shouting "It's Bilbo Baggins' Birthday! Hooray!"

112. Mr. Finnigan and Mr. Thomas are merely best friends. We do not have any homosexuals at this school.

113. After watching Professor Dumbledore dance the cancan on top of one of the tables in the Great Hall, I must stand corrected. However, you really shouldn't look to him as your guide in life.

114. Mr. Pettigrew is not a certified adult wizard, and should not be left alone with a chimera. That reminds me, I'm going to have to talk to Professor Kettleburn about that.

115. Mr. Weasley, you are not allowed to switch places with Mr. Weasley for a day, for the simple reason none of us can see any point.

116. Provoking the Slytherins to attack you, putting mirrors in front of them, and hiding behind the tapestries to avoid their jinxes usually ends up with Mr. Malfoy in the hospital.

117. Sneaking a computer into Hogwarts and then scaring Professor Snape with all the pairings about him is mean. Really, really mean.

118. Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley, you are not allowed to call yourself Merry and Pippin and sneak into Professor Dumbledore's stash of fireworks.

119. You also may not put a pair of pointy ears and a blonde wig, carry a bow and arrow, stand on the Astronomy tower and shout, "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

120. You are not allowed to break the fourth wall, metaphorically or literally.

121. Sneaking wizard rock into the castle counts.

122. Mr. Black, you are not my owner and you are not allowed to try and put a collar on me.

123. Replacing my glasses with ones with 3-D lenses is not funny, as there are enough Weasleys enough as it is without me seeing double vision.

124. Trying to tranquillize Professor Lupin is not wise. Use common sense, if you possess any.

125. Mr. Snape doesn't belong in the kitchens with the house elves, and doesn't like being put to work as one.

126. Threatening the 1st years that you will unleash the ninjas of the universe and they will attack if they do not do your homework is nonsense. And how on earth do you expect them to do your O.W.L. homework?

127. Excluding Ms. Granger, of course.

128. You are not allowed to do anything involving 15 bottles of firewhiskey and an Animagus by the name of Wormtail.

129. I respect that you might like to become an Auror in the near future, but jinxing Mr. Snape and claiming it was practice is not good.

130. I know you mean well, but offering Mr. Lupin money to help pay for new robes makes him feel bad.

131. Using Leprechaun gold really doesn't help.

132. Cheating on tests probably makes you the biggest idiot who ever lived, Mr. Pettigrew.

133. Professor Dumbledore actually likes his beard. Commenting that it looks like a rat's nest is likely to get you expelled.

134. So is cutting off his beard in the middle of the night.

135. Ditto for dipping his hand in warm water. He already has trouble with that.

136. Trying to make sure that Mr. Thomas's comment about the next Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher being a vampire comes true by hiring Sanguini is not recommended.

137. Mr. Weasley, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Jordan, there are days when I want to throw you off Gryffindor Tower. Taking advantage of these days by replacing my tartan slippers with slippers monogrammed with Professor Umbridge's face.

138. Playing the "Imagining yourself at age 50" game is stupid, but not against the rules. Going up to Mr. Snape, asking him if he wants to play, then looking like you just realized something, giggling and walking away hurriedly is not.

139. I'm sick and tired of you referring to multiple Muggle pop culture every five seconds. Enough of the smurfs already!

140. This also applies to Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.

141. When seeing this last rule, you may NOT Transfigure Hogwarts castle into the Millennium Falcon.

142. Or Helm's Deep.

143. You are not allowed to have an off day from pranks, because I like ending on even numbers and I'm running out of reasons to get angry at you.

144. When I get angry, my mouth forms a tight line. Taking a pair of pliers and trying to pry my lips apart is really, really odd.

145. A chainsaw's not going to work either.

146. Chasing Professor Snape with pitchforks and torches screaming "Burn the witch, burn the witch!" is not allowed.

147. Especially considering that Professor Snape is male.

148. Trying to pair up members of the staff is particularly infuriating. It's just creepy when it's Professor Dumbledore and Professor Flitwick.

149. Terrorizing a basilisk is not legal in ANY country. Or territory. Or the South Pole.

200. I hate all of you so much. Stop doing this. Please, please, stop doing this.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter.

I won't be inspired to do any more unless I get ten more reviews people. So review and I'll give you a bomb! I mean a cookie.

I mean a bomb.

By the way, if you like Lord of the Rings AT ALL I wrote a fanfic called The Grey Ship, and I think it's the best written of all my fanfics, and I'd be much oblidged if you'd check that out.

Enjoy!

* * *

The Continued Torturement of Minerva McGonagall in the form of the "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Specifically Directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley Twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

151. Inferi are not to be brought into the school and introduced to Mrs. Norris.

152. Mr. Filch is not to be given catnip. With Mrs. Norris it's amusing, but with Mr. Filch, it weird.

153. Number 12, Awesome Place does not exist.

154. Stop following Mr. Diggory around with glitter, randomly shaking some on him and shouting, "Oh my god, he sparkles!"

155. Enticing Mr. Pettigrew with cheese and then forcing him to do embarrassing things has ended up with him in mental therapy.

156. The Broomstick incident counts.

157. Mr. Potter, you are not allowed to sing that Ms. Evans is a "California Gurl", because that song is quite sexist and annoying.

158. Mr. Weasley, ask Ms. Johnson to the Yule Ball already and stop sending her love letters in the form of unicorns.

159. Said unicorns cannot speak, and dressing yourself up as one to tell me how much you WANT to speak to Ms. Johnson is disturbing.

160. Forcing Mr. Snape and the giant squid to have a grudge match, no wands permitted, is extremely illegal.

161. Zac Efron music is NOT allowed is this castle. On _any _grounds. I will likely use an Unforgivable Curse on you if it happens. Yes, Azkaban is worth it.

162. Don't stand on the staircase, wait for Mr. Diggory to come down, and shout, "Look, there's Cedric! In this series, he dies, and actually STAYS DEAD!"

163. Although I must admit that it is pretty amusing.

164. Do not attach a collar to Professor Lupin that says, "If found, return to Tonks."

165. Locking me in a cupboard with Ms. Evans brings out the temper of both of us. What did you expect to happen?

166. Don't answer that question.

167. My office is not your playground. Or Peeves' playground, so stop letting him in.

168. Inviting your parents and older siblings to Hogwarts to hold a nine-part harmony to not appropriate. Plus, Charlie just _cannot_ sing.

169. The Muggle movie Titanic is just too long to show on a projector in one class period. And besides, Professor Binns would notice _that_, at least.

170. After watching you force Mr. Lupin to wear a French maid's outfit in the middle of History of Magic and get up and dance disco style, I must concede defeat.

171. You really should get help for your chocolate problem, Mr. Lupin.

172. References to Muggle manga pass right by Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Weasleys'. He does not know of Naruto.

173. Grass is green. Not violet. Keep that in mind next time you try redecorating the girls' dormitory.

174. Taking off Mr. Snape's trousers and making them dance for the Great Hall is just plain wrong in _so_ many ways.

175. Professor Moody does not need a pick me up. Trying to get him to drink out of anything other than his hip flask gets people sent to St. Mungo's.

176. And yes, that includes orange juice.

177. Fang is a coward. Forcing him to face the Hungarian Horntail is plain mean.

178. Yes, I know that 1 plus 7 plus 8 equals 16. Your point, exactly?

179. Mr. Orlando Bloom is famous enough in the Muggle world. Quoting an interview where someone said "His breath smells like flowers." is amusing for no more than the first ten times. And yes, I know the interview was real.

180. How I know that I will not divulge.

181. Attempting to build a Muggle roller coaster in the Forbidden Forest angers the centaurs, and Merlin knows we have enough problems with them after the Umbridge incident.

182. You are allowed to make parodies of popular Katy Perry songs, but please do it on your own time, and not in my classroom.

183. Binding and gagging Mr. Snape and feeding him to the Giant Squid isn't going to work, as I'm 95% sure it's a vegetarian.

184. Don't do it anyway, as there is that other 5%.

185. Saying "Why can't Sirius Black just Apparate into the school?" around Ms. Granger gives us teachers migraines, and beside, we're all sick of repeatingly having to tell her no one has read "Hogwarts, A History".

186. Possessing the ability to con the whole school, including Mr. Snape, to dance like an Egyptian continues to astound me.

187. Mr. Filch, despite what you might say, does desire the ability of possessing all ten fingers. You are not allowed to relieve him of the quality.

188. Walking up to Professor Quirrell, stopping, sniffing, saying "What's that smell?" and then staring pointedly at his turban is not recommended.

189. Especially after he takes it off.

190. Boredom inflicts its unwelcome rays on all teenagers. You are not special (in that sense), and you should not take drastic action involving the Muggle Prime Minister and an elephant if boredom inflicts itself upon you.

191. The Hogwarts school library is designed for you to read books, not a place for you to sneak Mr. Lupin on the full moon wearing a ballgown.

192. Like I said, Mr. Lupin, you _really_ need help with that chocolate problem.

193. When you fall asleep, Mr. Weasley, your twin Weasley, whichever one it might be, is not allowed to carry you into my office and leave you there for me to find. You know, both of you are extremely difficult to wake up.

194. Don't make raunchy jokes about that last rule.

195. Trying to Transfigure Fawkes into a toothbrush is a futile effort. It annoys Professor Dumbledore and toothbrushes don't cost _that_ much, people.

196. Peeves does not want to be encased in a giant sphere of bubble gum.

197. Also, I'm disappointed in you Professor Lupin for teaching the twin terrors Waddiwasi.

198. Lying won't help you. I'm afraid you're getting a tampon for Christmas, Remus.

199. Doing the moonwalk in school corridors causes traffic problems and is starting to annoy Ms. Evans.

200. I will win my battle to have you locked up in Azkaban one of these days. I will win!

* * *

What'd you think? Tell me by reviewing! ^_^


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter.

Grr! I lost my flash drive, so I had to write it twice! Be grateful!

Seriously, I want a good number of reviews before I continue. I am review hungry.

* * *

The Attempted Murder of Minerva McGonagall in the form of the "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Specifically Directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley Twins.

Established by Minerva McGonagall

201. Six year old Muggle children are not to be allowed to be in Hogwarts, and you are certainly not allowed to present them Firenze as their Christmas present.

202. Mr. Diggory should not be locked in the same room as Mrs. Bellatrix Lestrange. I don't care what you say, Bella Swan and Bellatrix are not the same person, and Mr. Diggory has no idea what's going on.

203. Holding a treasure hunt on Hogwarts grounds is childish and Professor Hagrid does not like finding last's night's dinner buried in his yard.

204. Ms. Evans is going to like you even less if you charm her panties to sing, Mr. Potter.

205. Probably because that would mean you had access to her panties in the first place.

206. Referring to Professor Flitwick's Charms class as "Magically Delicious!" is really just stupid.

207. Stuffing Mr. Snape into that revolving door only confuses Mr. Pettigrew, and will not, in any way, hurt Mr. Snape.

208. Stop inviting your father to host Muggle Studies lectures. The Muggle Studies students are sick of hearing Mr. Weasley talk about "Muggle ekletronics".

209. He's not allowed in the kitchen either. Merlin knows that was a disaster.

210. Stop letting Mr. Weasley in the castle at all.

211. If you don't stop carrying crosses around with you, I will hurt you. Just letting you know, Mr. Diggory and the rest of the Hufflepuffs really do have deep-rooted fears of crosses.

212. But not for the reason you are insinuating. If you want to know why, ask the Marauders.

213. On second thought, don't.

214. Mr. Filch does not appreciate the chains he hangs on his wall to suddenly come to life and hang _him_ from the ceiling, as we _all know_ he can't stop them. Hehe.

215. Doing a rain dance is not nice when you're trying to attract rain to Mr. Snape's underpants.

216. Mr. Lupin is not a toy for your amusement, so therefore dressing him up like Lady Gaga is out of the picture. Why do you let them do this to you?

217. The house elves are not employed for the purpose of pouring buckets of paint on Mr. Malfoy repeatingly.

218. If you're really that bored with Hogwarts, go somewhere else.

219. No, you are not allowed to suggest Pigfarts.

220. For the last time, Rumbleroar is not a better headmaster than Professor Dumbledore!

221. Remus, you are a TEACHER. Not a student! STOP ACTING LIKE ONE! If you EVER try to feed Fawkes to the giant squid again, I will…I will…

222. I know! I'll show the entire student body that picture of you in the maid's outfit! I AM THAT EVIL! MHAHAHA!

223. No, Mr. Weasley, I do not need a chill pill.

224. Mr. Snape does not like it when his diary concerning Ms. Evans is broadcasted to the entire school.

225. Surfing on the Black Lake is futile when you're not in the Black Lake and you don't have a surfboard.

226. No, Mr. Snape does not count as a surfboard.

227. Roses are red, violets are blue, if you don't shut up, I will bust you.

228. I don't know what alligator polish is, but don't you dare bring it into this school.

229. Nobody takes napkins as currency. Nobody.

230. Don't try to prove me wrong.

231. Professor Moody's peaceful retirement did not involve old stinky socks and videos of a sensitive nature.

232. If it did, Alastor, you'd better throw them out before Albus comes to dinner next week.

233. I am not an Animagus just so I can eat rats and not get in trouble. Trust me, if I wanted to eat rats, Mr. Pettigrew would be long gone.

234. You did not get ambushed by wolves, Mr. Potter and Mr. Black. I happen to know the lunar schedule, and this had less to do with the Shrieking Shack and more to do with the amount of missing food from the kitchen.

235. Dancing to the Carmeldansen would be more amusing if it didn't involve you wearing a pair of my tartan lingerie.

236. I will not tell you who I own the tartan lingerie for.

237. I have a life outside of school, and I'd like to take part in it. Telling me I should never leave Hogwarts, while touching, loses its sweetness when you tie me up to make me stay.

238. Hogwarts does not have field trips, unless you want to count Hogsmeade. Anyway, you are not allowed to schedule a trip to Hawaii for your year at any point in time.

239. No Professor Dumbledore, that doesn't include the annual teachers' excursion.

240. Disco style dancing had never been popular at Hogwarts, and showing us your dance moves makes it even less desirable.

241. Mr. Lupin, you are a wonderful student. Taking part in your friends' shenanigans badly hinders your ability to perform well in academics.

242. Yes, Mr. Black, I know you didn't understand a word of that. Read a book, for Merlin's sake.

243. What in the name of Merlin's baggy Y-fronts were you thinking? Trousers belong on your body, not Professor Lupin's head!

244. Professor Umbridge is a horrible woman. Why have you stopped pranking her? I demand you get off that sofa and scare her in some way!

245. SpongeBob Squarepants is not an adequate role model, so take off the sponge.

246. Butterbeer is not a good substitute for toothpaste, and it ends up getting a lot of people drunk.

247. I am not, not will ever, be engaged to Professor Snape. No. Thank. You.

248. Hungry hippopotamus's are not going to devour our school anytime soon. Sorry.

249. Yes, Mr. Weasleys', I know the sun is going to come up tomorrow. And no, I don't care if it is stuck in your head.

250. Someday I will vanquish my enemies and smite them down. Be thankful it isn't this day.

* * *

Did'ya like it? Tell me by reviewing! Hannan Le!(look it up).


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer- I don't own it. Really.

It's been, like a month. I'm really, really sorry it took so long, but I was running out of ideas. And then some major stuff happened, but I worked my ass off to get this to you. This will be the last one unless I get twenty reviews in the next two weeks. At that point I will put that this as complete.

So enjoy.

* * *

The Almost Complete Murder of Minerva McGonagall in the form of the "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

251. When Professor Dumbledore dies, he is not going to leave his nonexistent chocolate factory to Charlie.

252. And yes, Professor Dumbledore in going to die. He is not going to stay alive forever using Hershey's chocolate.

253. Or Red Vines. And no, I don't agree with the statement "What the hell can't they do?"

254. Shut up. I know what that's from. Do you?

255. Angry bears shouldn't be permitted to run free in Hogwarts. Ever.

256. Mr. Lupin does not possess the desire to become a ballerina. He does not look good in a tutu. Repeat: He does not look good in a tutu.

257. Trying to sign me up for a therapist is not a good idea if you want to see the next dawn.

258. Referring to Dobby as Smegial is really mean. Just ignore their many similarities.

259. Referring to Mr. Malfoy as Dobby is even meaner. Figure out which one that's being mean to.

260. Do not try to asexually reproduce in my hallway, Mr. Black. Goodness knows we don't need more of you.

261. You are not, and never will be, a Storm Trooper.

262. House elves have nothing to do with the accuracy of my death glares. *GLARE*

263. First years are not to be used as your bludger practice. And no, I really don't care if Mr. Snape took your bludgers first.

264. Mr. Diggory does not equal Edward. Is that not enough said?

265. APPARENTLY NOT if you think it morally safe to try and actually stake Mr. Diggory.

266. Professor Umbridge is not engaged to the centaurs. It's insulting to one of the parties involved, and I don't mean the toad.

267. Staging a musical in the Great Hall in not against the rules. And no, Professor Dumbledore is NOT allowed to play Lady Macbeth.

268. Ms. Delacour is not a man-eating beast. And taking that the wrong way is immature.

269. Professor Dumbledore does not possess the desire to sing desire. And don't enchant him to have that desire.

270. Mr. Snape does not like the insinuation that he has a secret crush on Mr. Lupin. And I honestly don't think Mr. Lupin likes it either.

271. Mr. Snape is not a butt trumpet. Not. A. Butt. Trumpet.

272. Starting a nightclub in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom is illegal. I think your mistake was inviting Professor Grubbly-Plank.

273. Trying to hook up Professor Flitwick and Winky is insulting.

274. And no, I don't care at all if Professor Flitwick was fine with it. That doesn't make it any less wrong.

275. Locking Mr. Potter in the same room with Mr. Malfoy for forty-eight hours will end with the third World War.

276. And I really don't want to hear that that was your desire.

277. The centaurs in the Forbidden Forest don't want to be introduced to your horrid underpants. Those things could kill Umbridge. Hey look, there's an idea….

278. It's really difficult to think when you blast your music that loud. Mr. Black, the rest of Hogwarts does not wish to hear Beat It.

279. You horrid, horrid beasts. You locked me in a room with her! For three hours! I CAN'T TAKE THREE HOURS OF UMBRIDGE! STAFF MEETINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH!

280. Take deep breaths, Minerva, take deep breaths…Anyway, I don't believe any punishment is bad enough. So I will…Write home to your mother! MHAHAHAHA! I win!

281. When you hear of this you are not allowed to intercept my owl with a pair of my lingerie.

282. The Ministry of Magic is not your playing area. Never forget what happened to that fire-breathing chicken.

283. Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Potter and Mr. Lupin do not harbor romantic desires for each other. I know this because of their identical responses of "Oh Hell no!"

284. Piggyback carrying Mr. Longbottom down to the Black Lake and inside it will earn you more than a detention. It will likely earn you a one-way trip to Davy Jones' Locker.

285. I know the Black Lake doesn't connect to the sea. It was an expression. Stop being so literal, Mr. Weasleys'.

286. No, that does not mean you can attach wings to a pig to force it to fly. Just plain no.

287. I like pink ponies is not a suitable response to any essay question given by Professor Snape.

288. Correction. I like pink ponies is not a suitable response to any essay question given by anyone.

289. A hornet's nest and a pair of Mr. Snape's underwear do not go together. Ever.

290. Don't tell me you were trying to make honey. Liar. People making honey don't go for Mr. Snape's underwear (does he ever wash those things?), they go for Ms. Evans' underwear…which would explain why she told me fleece-eating moths had gotten into her dormitory…BOYS, YOU ARE IN SOME SERIOUS TROUBLE!

291. Making references to how hot you think Professor Dumbledore is shall not continue. You're getting his hopes up and I happen to know that you're dating Ms. Johnson.

292. Flux Capacitors do not exist outside of Muggle movies. Constructing one out of your friend's werewolf hair will not work, Mr. Black.

293. Professor Snape does not resemble an armadillo. A vampire, definitely. A bat, maybe. An armadillo? No.

294. Do not refer to Mr. Longbottom's attempts in Transfiguration as an EPIC FAIL!

295. Myrtle does not like it when her toilet decides to spew the contents of the last five hundred years. How on Earth did you manage to do that?

296. Paying for a Hogwarts' school trip to Disneyworld would be kind and thoughtful if you hadn't _tried to pay me in seashells._

297. Don't break the aforementioned seashells in half and tell me they're American currency.

298. Mr. Diggory is not afraid of the shrubbery.

299. Do not dress Mr. Lupin up in stripper attire and have him do a pole dance in the Great Hall. GET HELP FOR YOUR CHOCOLATE PROBLEM ALREADY, REMUS!

300. I. Am. Insane. You've done it. I hope you're happy. I've gone off the deep end. Splash.

* * *

Will McGonagall make it out of the insane asylum? Will she somehow manage to not drown in insaneness? Tell me by reviewing. ^_^


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter or any of my other numerous referneces.

I'm back! I'm sorry it took so long, by flash drive wasn't being accepted by my computer so I couldn't write the rest of this.

I decided I would continue when I got a whopping 22 reviews for this chapter. If I continue to get such a tremendous amount of support I will do three more chapters after this.

Why you might ask? Do I simply love you guys that much?

Nope. I have OCD and need to end on a five or ten, and since 20 chapters is not an option, I shall do ten.

Anyway, Minnie managed to escape!

Enjoy!

* * *

The Commitment and Escape of Minerva McGonagall to an Insane Asylum in the Form of the "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Specifically Directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley Twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

301. I ESCAPED! I..um...I mean...I was released...Yea, that's it...

302. Do not further inhibit my wrath by doing the conga on my desk. My poor old eyes did not need to see you do that.

303. My poor old eyes also did not need to see Mr. Lupin in a bikini. Do you honestly call yourselves his friends?

304. Professor Snape is not, nor ever will be, a munchkin of Oz.

305. Please do not dress up as dementors for Halloween. We all know about Mr. Potter's problem.

306. Mr. Black, asking us "Why so serious?" is insulting and immature.

307. Do not Accio your lubricant from the Quidditch stadium in the middle of a Quidditch game. We really, really, do not need to see that.

308. Dressing up as a chocolate bar for Halloween would be weird, but appropriate. Dressing up as a chocolate bar for Christmas, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter.

309. Don't ever try to dye your hair _black_ again, Mr. Weasleys'. It doesn't make you a Marauder.

310. And black is really not your color. I'm not kidding.

311. Mr. Black, Mr. Potter and Mr. Lupin, you are not Team Rocket. For one, Mr. Black, you are not gay. Hopefully. And that purple hair doesn't help my opinion of you.

312. Another thing. I don't know why you three see Mr. Potter as a girl with skanky clothes and an impossible hairdo, but stop seeing him that way. Now.

313. If you think that it is appropriate for your friends to dress you as a small cat-like thing with a speech impediment, Mr. Lupin, you need more help for the chocolate problem.

314. Yes, I know you are already going to a psy_cat_atrist.

315. Mr. Weasley, castration curses are not appropriate. Especially when you use them on Professor Sprout. How in Merlin's great cheese can you confuse her gender!

316. Santa Claus is not your personal slave. Enough said.

317. Merlin is not, nor ever will be Sherlock Holmes.

318. Rocket ships are not appropriate writing utensils.

319. Myrtle is not secretly in love Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington. Do not insult Sir Nicholas De Mimsy-Porpington like that.

320. Professor Dumbledore is not a kung fu master and you are not allowed to practice your moves on him while disguised as Voldemort and shouting "I will kill you Dumbledore!"

321. Mr. Finnigan is not a leprechaun. I find that very…racist? Irishist?

322. I'm not even going to ask why you thought it was appropriate to replace Professor Lupin's entire wardrobe with footsie pajamas.

323. If you don't give his clothes back, I will charge you accordingly. Seriously, I will, because if I don't I'll end up paying for it.

324. Mr. Lupin, I know you love chocolate. I know it. Don't ever dress up as a chocolate bar again.

325. Yes, Mr. Lupin, I am aware that it was milk chocolate.

326. Professor Snape is not Goodwill. You may not drape old clothing on him.

327. That also applies for outdated appliances.

328. Why would you think I care that Mr. Diggory likes Japanese pop music? Speaking of which, why do you care?

329. Seriously, who _do_ you care?

330. There is a reason why Zac Efron is banned at Hogwarts, Mr. Weasleys'. May I remind you of the incident?

331. There are no such things as talking squirrels. There are no such things as talking squirrels. There are no such things as talking squirrels.

332. THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS TALKING SQUIRRELS! STOP DEFYING MY LOGIC!

333. Take deep breaths, Minnie…Take deep breaths….

334. You are not allowed to invent a Techno Toilet.

335. Neither are you allowed to use Mr. Black as your Techno Toilet.

336. D'Arvit is not a real swear word. I don't have the slightest idea where you got it from, but stop using it.

337. Do not tie Mr. Snape to the giant squid.

338. After you ignore the last rule and tie him to the squid, keep in mind that I replaced the squid with a hex that comes after the tier and treats the tie-ee to an extra large helping of pudding.

339. No, that does not count if you tie yourself to the squid. The pudding will come after you instead.

340. PUT THAT CAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!

341. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'VE GONE OFF THE DEEP END! I'M BONKERS! AHAHAHAHA!

342. Sorry, Professor Dumbledore. I forgot you were trying to sleep. Ahem, anyway, don't-em-don't do something totally unexpected yet predictable.

343. I don't care if you're lonely on Christmas holidays, Mr. Weasleys'. That does not entitle you to the right of starting a bonfire in the Hufflepuff common room.

344. Japanese is not the language you should be doing your homework in.

345. Neither is troll. Professor Flitwick does not like it when you do nothing but point and grunt during oral reports.

346. Your bowl of spaghetti does not suffice as a house elf.

347. I don't even know how you managed to take that last rule in the wrong sense, yet you managed it.

348. Gobstones is not a good game to play when Professor Umbridge is right behind you.

349. Scratch that last rule.

350. Thanks to you I am now forced to take several trpes of medication a day. You shall pay dearly for it.

* * *

So did you guys like it as much as I hoped you would? Did ya? C'mon, you know you want to review! Be proud of me, this is my four update/oneshot in two days. Four in two days! Review for that at least!


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer- I don't this. What may you ask? My reply: your mom.

Hi everyone!

I'm back!

Before you throw tomatoes at me for taking so long, I have one this to say!

...

Yeah, I've got nothing. *runs from tomatoes*

On a slightly more serious note, This is chapter eight. (This is chapter eight, right? I've lost track.) I will be doing two more chapters of this fanfiction, if you can even call it that. I think a better word is brain vomit.

So this brain vomit of a fanfiction is almost over, which I am sad about. Before you start giving me angry and upset reviews that I'm ending this, I have to say one thing:

I will be doing a sequel! It will be called The "Never Agains" of Howarts: The Next Generation! It's only gonna be three chapters, but at least I'm doing it.

Ok, now I'll finally shut up.

Enjoy!

* * *

The Even More Continued "Never Agains" of Hogwarts to the Death and Mental Enslavement of both Minerva McGonagall and thy Esteemed Author

Specifically Directed to the Marauders/and or Weasley twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

351. Contrary to your belief, the statement "You mum is so wide avocadoes make her look good" does not apply to me or my mother.

352. Actually, I'm pretty sure it applies to_ your_ mother. Molly does _so_ like avocadoes.

353. Purgatory is not a place for young children. The Creevey brothers, no matter what they say, do not want a one-way ticket there.

354. Alchemy is not an appropriate subject to study while immersed in bathwater.

355. The Whomping Willow is not a slingshot to be used to sling annoying, greasy-haired prats off of.

366. No, I am not talking about Mrs. Norris. Like, seriously, what the hell?

367. Professor Slughorn is neither slug nor horn. Bu now you should know what he is.

368. What is that, you may ask? I won't tell you. Yeah, I'm just that mean. And possibly mentally instable.

369. Professor Lupin does not want to see pictures of himself as a teenager dressed in a ball gown, hooker outfit, French maid's outfit, Lady Gaga, ballerina, a Flux Capacitor, bikini, chocolate bar (That one was your choice, Remus), a cat from Pokémon, or any other atrocity his friends saw fit.

370. Nor are you allowed to dress him up as anything and then take pictures. Especially one of such evil as Justin Beiber.

371. *Shudder* Don't even make me think about him dressed as Justin Beiber. That's it; just for the mental image you get detention.

372. Mr. Weasley does not possess the desire to be stripped down to his underwear, hung on a tower and forced to proclaim his love for Ms. Granger. I mean, come on, we're talking about Percy, not Ron.

373. Dobby is not here to make you tacos.

374. Professor Flitwick is a small person. Not a large candle.

375. Bloodshot eyes are not an attribute contributed to lizards.

376. Professor Snape is not vampire. Please inform Mr. Thomas this.

377. You may not have multiple flesh-eating slugs tear off the eyelids off Professor Umbridge. Because then she couldn't close her eyes. And then she'd be always looking at us.

378. Ms. Granger does not appreciate it when you jinx every boy in the school to ask her out in one day except Mr. Weasley. This time I mean Ron, not Percy.

379. The teachers' lounge is not the home of a dozen acromantulas. C'mon, they didn't even fit. That was just lame.

380. Hedwig is not there for you to tie to the Christmas tree. Mr. Potter was not happy about that.

381. No, Mr. Black, you may not fly a pizza to the moon.

382. AHAHAHAHAHA! MHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE NOT GONE INSANE! YOU ANTICS WILL NOT BEST ME!

383. Moving on. Mr. Potter, you are not allowed to elude that Mr. Black is going to have a terrible broomstick accident and never have children. Or elude that a girl will give him a "broomstick accident".

384. Mr. Weasleys, you are not twin Santa Claus's. Stop towing around giant bags of presents.

385. Ok, ok, I get that you were delivering presents to the underprivileged. I'm sorry for my mistake. Don't worry; from now on I'll only punish you for breaking the rules.

386. No, that was not an invitation.

387. Oh, so you're telling me the reason Mr. Snape has boils covering every other inch of his body has nothing to do with you four, huh. Well you know what I say to that?

388. I WILL GET YOU BACK! EVEN IF HE IS A GREASY-HAIRED PRAT! AHAHAHAHA!

389. Sorry about that.

390. Doing the moonwalk and other horrible Michael Jackson-like moves while listening to Bob Dylan in MY class is not appropriate. Save it for Snape or Flitwick or someone other than me.

391. You know what? Do it for Remus. Serves him right for that sock monkey prank he played on me last week.

392. Mr. Pettigrew, I don't care if you suddenly sprouted tentacles because of some random red-headed strangers that sprouted out of an inter-dimensional time warp from the future. You're not getting out of my class.

393. これを理解できるか。

394. Did you get that? Huh? Did you? I bet you didn't.

395. If you did, I'm seriously surprised. Because you'd have to be fluent in Japanese. I don't even know what that says.

396. You are not my savior of underpants, Mr. Black.

397. Look, Mr. Weasleys', I appreciate the effort, but me and Flitwick are NOT going to hook up, I like my men a little bigger than that, if you get my drift.

398. No, by bigger I did not mean older. Besides, the man you speak of has no interest in me. Or women.

399. My insanity has not increased by returning to this school. Telling me this in the form of a talking cantaloupe is insulting.

400. You didn't jinx that cantaloupe, did you…I'm off to got increase my medication…

* * *

Sooooooooo, what'd you think? Did you like it? If so, review! I'm not joking! *angry face*

On an unrelated note, it seems to me that for a Maruader, Remus seems to get pranked on more than Snape. And by his own friends, too!

If you want me to crossdress Remus more, review!

If you don't, review anyway!


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Pothead. Or Potter.

Hi. I wrote this in TWO DAYS at my family reunion. You know what I also wrote? The very last chapter. So give me many more reviews than you did this chapter (jerks) and I'll post it very soon. If not…we'll see how long it takes.

Thank you, reviewers! I will totally recognize you by screen name next chapter. Well, it's almost over…

But not quite!

I updated this sooooo much sooner this time! XD

* * *

The Continued "Never Agains" of Hogwarts that thy Pissed-off Esteemed Author is Continuing Because of Promises, even through she only got Five Reviews

Specifically Directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

401. I have increased my medication and found that I no longer see talking cantaloupes. Therefore, you will be punished to the full extent of my law from now on.

402. Spaghetti is not an appropriate substance to chuck at Mr. Snape.

403. Disney Channel is atrocious. Do you hear me? I don't care if you like Phineas and Ferb, it still sucks.

404. Poptarts and toilet paper do not mix well.

405. Mr. Lupin is not yogurt and dressing him up as such does not change that fact.

406. You are not going to convince me otherwise. Seriously, I don't see it happening.

407. The Zombie apocalypse is not happening as we speak. Neither is it coming in 2012.

408. When you ignore my helpful advice on that matter, you are not permitted to smuggle chainsaws, axes and guns into this building.

409. Nor are you to dress Professor Lupin as a zombie.

410. Every time you say "Get chance and luck" a hippie does not die.

411. Not does a ten-year old French boy do unseen acrobatics when you say "Knockin' on Heaven's Door".

412. Do not ever threaten me with a halberd again. Honestly, do you even know what a halberd is?

413. Don't answer that question.

414. The Wheel of Fortune is not a table for you to display pumpkins.

415. Mr. Finnigan is not, nor ever will be, Merry or Pippin. Once again, I find you Irishist.

416. Mrs. Norris is not an albino peacock.

417. You are not Steve Irwin. I'm sorry to tell you this, but he is dead. That is what happens when you stick you hand in an alligator's mouth.

418. Scooby-Do is not "yo momma".

419. Mr. Black, I can see you from my window. That's a really bad place to try and dress Mr. Lupin up as a pumpkin.

420. No, you may not deny this claim and say that orange is the new black.

421. Professor Snape is not Barney. Professor Snape does not love you. Professor Snape does not wish for a hug. And Professor Snape does NOT want to be molested.

422. Brushing my hair without my permission while hanging upside from the ceiling is nothing short of disturbing.

423. Shane Dawson is not your valet, Mr. Weasleys'. Remember, love potions are illegal.

424. I reviewed that last rule and found myself to be thoroughly creeped out.

426. You Great-Aunt Muriel is the scariest, meanest, most evil woman on the Earth (with the exception of Umbitch). Wait….you're not disagreeing with me?

427. Ow! What're you….Ow! Damn it! You son of a…Oh, what was I talking about?

428. Yes, that was a mosquito. You got a problem with that?

429. Hamsters are not appropriate animals to use as Bludgers. Use something like a kangaroo.

430. I was joking. Haha. You weren't actually supposed to use a kangaroo.

431. The Creevey brothers' father, yes, the milkman, should not be a recipient of love letters.

432. Han Solo is not a legendary figure in Wizarding history.

433. Neither is R2-D2.

434. Why are you contacting me now! I'm at a McGonagall family reunion! This is so NOT THE PLACE!

435. Eheheh…sorry about that, Aunt Peggy, it was a psychosomatic response to a letter I just received.

437. Mr. Jordan is not an armchair, so get your ass off of him.

438. I resent that remark you made that my well-preserved mind had started disintegrating throughout the decades.

439. Charlie the Unicorn is a fictional character in a stupid Muggle video. He's is not Firenze with out a kidney.

440. Ping Pong is only fun for the first three hours. After that, it gets repetitive. Like your bad pranks.

441. Mr. Weasleys', you may not kidnap your former Professor Lupin from his home, dress him up like a dog and bring him to the pound.

442. Waking me up early in the morning on a Saturday is equal to suicide.

443. Don't kid yourselves, Mr. Black and Mr. Potter. Mr. Pettigrew isn't so dumb as to really think those stupid outfits will convince him that you're aliens.

444. …..

445. I stand corrected.

446. Ms. Johnson may be secretly interested in you, Mr. Weasley, but using Polyjuice Potion to disguise yourself as her cat will result in you in the Hospital Wing and myself, Ms. Johnson, and your brother laughing at you.

447. Mr. Potter, Ms. Evans is still not interested in you. Give it up already.

448. Scorpions are fried and eaten only in China. We are not in China. Therefore you may not do this.

449. That is not an excuse for you to go to China.

450. I'M NOT INSANE! I'M SANITY CHALLENGED! AHAHA! AND YOU WILL BE TOO ONCE I'M DONE WITH YOU!

So….what'd you think? Review and the last chapter will come up!

But don't get to sad, there's still the sequel! (I'm killing myself here)

So, review and make me happy! And reviews make me post my last chapter *hint hint*


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer- One freakin' last time: I don't own Harry Potter.

This is the last chapter. As I proved with my last update of Remus's New Hope, I get all corny and sappy when it comes to these. I have had a rough time with some of these chapters, but haven't we all?

I think this is a pretty good chapter. Better than last one.

But don't forget about the Next Generation!

I swear to Merlin, I must be crazy.

Enjoy.

* * *

The Ending Chronicle of The "Never Agains" of Hogwarts, Read to You by Yo Momma!

Or Something.

Directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley twins

Established and Completed by Minerva McGonagall

451. I may very well impose a worldwide ban on fires just to prevent you from carrying out the threat of setting my underwear on fire.

452. If you tell me I am trifling one more time, I will boot you out of Hogwarts before you can say…

453. …Trifling.

454. Do not bait the giant squid. The giant squid is not a cannibal.

455. Dressing Mr. Lupin up as the giant squid is not going to work either. I'm sorry to have to put it this way, but wolf is not an appetizing meal to a squid. Annoying pranksters are, though.

456. Yeah, you better run.

457. Dying your hair pink is juvenile and weird. Mr. Black, it doesn't work with your complexion.

458. Do nt tlk 2 me in txt tlk. It bthrs me. And u wll gt a dtntn.

459. Put your right hand in, put your right hand out, and you shake it all about. Do the hokey pokey…wait, what am I doing! I've gone insane!

460. Or you just put a jinx on me. Haha, hilarious.

462. Look, kid, the Holyhead Harpies are going to beat the Wimborne Wasps. Nothing you can do to change that.

463. Although I do admit that the Harpies will go down to Puddlemere United.

464. Mr. Malfoy does not wish for his blonde hair to suddenly spontaneously combust.

465. Ever.

466. Professor's Quirrel's turban does not house squirrels.

467. Or Lord Voldemort. That is just ridiculous.

468. Like your clothing. Remind me again why you're dressed as faeries?

469. Saying "To show how straight we are." doesn't really answer my question.

470. Convincing the entire male population of Hogwarts, including Professors Flitwick, Snape and Mr. Malfoy (Usually I'd count Professor Lupin, but as this is considered cross-dressing I cannot in good conscience count him as a sensible and mature adult) to wear horribly small, neon pink booty shorts in entirely beyond my comprehension.

471. Florida does not reside in Hogsmeade. Repeat: Florida does not reside in Hogsmeade.

472. Neither does the Grim Reaper. Honestly, I think he's somewhere like the slums of Africa or the Dead Sea.

473. Or Disneyworld.

474. Ugh. I have enough paperwork to do without you adding those pesky hospital release forms from your unintended victims, Mr. Marauders. So stop hurting people.

475. Heh heh. Mr. Marauders. New nickname.

476. Tacos are not an appropriate beverage to drink during Quidditch games.

477. Neither are they appropriate to throw at Mr. Jordan during a Quidditch game.

478. Don't ever scare me like that again! I, your Transfiguration teacher, Minerva McGonagall, is not nor ever will be anything like DOLORES UMBRIDGE!

479. Rain dances don't work. Besides, it's the middle of winter. God would look at you like you're crazy and then give you a blizzard.

480. Although, now that I think about it, we all look at you crazy, Mr. Weasleys'. Why should God be any different?

481. I give up. Go ahead. Decorate the Slathering common room in pink. See how they take it.

482. The Hufflepuff room too? They're so….good at finding. You know what, I don't care. The girls will love it and the guys…will love t.

483. Yes, yes, I know Quirrel and Lord Voldemort are as different as can be. What's your point?

484. Oh, you're saying that they can still love each other despite their differences.

485. Wait, what amI saying!

486. Shut up. My mother is not the giant squid. Nor is it your mother. Nor are you its child.

487. Inspiration is not inherited. Because the giant squid is not full of inspiration, and you claim to be its child. And mother.

488. Leeks and lentils are not the same thing. And they go in soup, not potatoes.

489. You are not Frodo, Mr. Black. Mr. Lupin is not your Sam.

490. Also, you are not Han and he is not Leia.

491. "Clean-up in Isle 5" is not the is the right response to Mr. Longbottom exploding the Great Hall with a Potion gone wrong.

492. Do not, ever, go chasing after Orlando Bloom asking for his autograph while wearing pink kimonos.

493. Again.

494. Pumpkin carving is fun during Halloween. Lighting candles in a gutted pumpkin is not cool while swimming in the Thames River. Before the oil cleanup.

495. The Leg Fall Asleep hex is not only a bad name, but undeniably cruel. So, therefore, use it on Umbridge.

496. Remember this rule: The Chamber of Secrets does not hold Salazar Slytherin's secret stash of tacos? Enough said.

497. Mr. Weasleys', you are not to get Dobby drunk with Winky ever again. There is no need for more little Dobbinkys.

498. No, you may not dress Professor Lupin up in a girdle. Just because Tonks agrees doesn't mean it is right. Or decent.

499. YOU DID IT ANYWAY! Even as an adult, Remus, you still have that freakin' chocolate problem!

500. I thought seeing this day come would be wonderful, but it isn't. I am sad you are graduating/diving bombing Umbridge and flying out through the window. All six of you (I know this is a time dimensional loop that could screw up time and space, but whatever) are integral to the Hogwarts atmosphere, and it won't be the same without you. Goodbye, Marauders. Goodbye, twins. Make something of your lives. For me.

* * *

Aw, how sweet. McGonagall's got a heart! But we knew that already. So McGonagall didn't go crazy after all. Good for you, Minnie.

*Insert bad joke here*

Ok, now for my reviewers:

To all of you who read this but didn't review, I award you the Ron Weasley, as both of you are always there but never doing anything really plot-changing.

No offense Ron. You're awesome and my favorite of the Golden Trio.

Don't tell Harry.

rachelnot, 00cats10, evol love, soccerhorse10, TheSecretWeasley5147, your friend, Tanya Rayne, tough cookie, MizuLevia, SinisterlySexy, James Hiwatari, Duckyumbrella, Springbutterfly, Triggerhappy44, chailetteandmusic, Luna Elphaba Anne Granger, minervathefeline, snowisker, hermionegranger865, youarecrazybutIamMMAD, crazyismymiddlename6754, sarahwolfgirl20, Jamilu, Cailey, remslover101, ginnyevans, and Sammi, I award you all the Remus Lupin. Because Remus Lupin is always there, sometime getting the spotlight for his crossdressing tenacities. Although I have no idea how this relates to you.

Feel free to go crossdress.

xxxSora-chan, EscapedReality, KrazyKimmy, audburrito, Flying-Free22, LivingintheClouds, Rue-the-Marauder, blindrain, and DaysWithoutChains I award you the Fred and George Weasley for your laughter and your hilarious and encouraging reviews.

Rock on, Gred and Forge.

And lastly, to the most loyal and revered of my reviewers, I award you the Albus Dumbledore. Because he is the mastermind behind everything of importance. And most of everything that isn't.

And here they are:

Rocklover91- You have been reading for how long? I can't even remember. Thank you for everything, especially for admitting that you had to look up what a halberd was. Because it meant that meant you cared enough to look it up.

Loads of Randomness- You are awesome just because you can convey your feeling through "ROFLMAO" and not make me feel shortchanged. Awesome for that, but for mostly awesome for being here this whole time.

Blue-Eyed-Lily- Your reviews are worth as much as you say, which is why you're getting this last update so soon. And thank you so so so much for your support in both this story and Remus's New Hope.

eternal vampire- I don't know how I do it either. Thank you for telling me this along with your other, awesome reviews. I seriously needed you to get through writing this.

Miriflowers- Please forgive me, but I almost forgot you. And then I didn't. So don't kill me. You don't deserve to be forgotten after all the support. Seriously, i feel horrible.

Buzzcat- To you, my first reviewer, I give you a world of thanks. And then Mars. You are awesome. I really need some new adjectives.

Lastly, but not leastly, xXMixLilyEvansXx, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your reviews make me happy are the time, and without you, (and the others) I'd shrivel up and die.

So this is the end for now. But don't forget about the Next Gen!

Goodbye, my friends.


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